More like a Coffee Haiatus
So I have to be honest with myself and ask myself honest questions. Like, what am I doing here? Since I have made this blog, I’ve had this desire to make a vidja game, but it hasn’t panned out. What’s goin on here?
I’ve been working a lot this quarter, and now that it is over I can finally breathe just a little and start to think about coffee, games and such again. With this breathing room, I asked myself a burning fiery searing hot question. Should I let the dream of making a game die? Ouch! Right in the feels, this one. I thought about it for a couple days, but I couldn’t come to any conclusion. Then I forgot about it… until yesterdayyyyyy…
Yesterday, love was such a… I was looking at this Python programming book that my wife just finished for a class she was taking. It’s basically about making a lot of simple games while learning to code, something that would be great for me. But when I looked at it, I suddenly felt exhaustion wash over me, I felt burnt out. For the sake of ‘f’, what is stopping me from learning the fundamentals of being able to make a video game here? Since I made this blog, I thought it was because I was lazy and just needed motivation. I was filled with guilt. But I was paying extra special attention to my feelings at that moment and had enough calm in my jittery heart to see that there was a whisper in there telling me something. It was telling me… “git gud scrub!11“. Just kidding, it was telling me that I don’t have the damn time for this.
I really don’t. I’m a adjunct college faculty person scraping by trying to make a living, working like a dog to pay the bills. I often stay up late and work on my weekends because I teach multiple subject classes and that is a ton of work. Much like in Gravitation, there is an enormous tension between my family life and my work life. Throwing into the mix a goal of making a game from scratch is just insanity right now. Ideally, it would be great to have time to do shit like this, but time is the one luxury I have almost none of.
Brain: So you’re overworked and have no time to spend with your family? I got just the thing, how about I implant an unattainable ambition into you?
I have come to the conclusion that I need a break from this dream. I’m not going to let it die, but not until I can get a grip on my time will I even be able to look at a programming book without breaking out in a cold sweat of anxiety or feeling dead inside. When my life is stable enough to commit hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands of hours?! to something, I’m sure I will know. It’s just a matter of looking at the book and feel excited and energized. Right now, my negative reaction is not because I’m lazy, but because this endeavor would take up so much of my time and energy that the precious things that I love in my life could be lost.
I will still write in this blog though, because I enjoy rehashing things people have already said better than I will and with much more eloquence, in the defunct world of video game blogs. I have to focus on my career and family, and perhaps someday my career path will lead back to me working in some manner with game development.